Tonight I'm feeling a lot of discouragement about parenting.
Prior to this evening, this day seemed like a pretty good parenting day. We went school shopping. We spent time at the library. We went to the pool. We ate spaghetti.
I only lost my temper for 30 seconds at the store (while all 5 kids were performing the equivalent of circus tricks in the middle of the aisle while a couple of other calmer families just stared at us with a shocked expression).
Oh, and Mystery Man is out of town, so it was a doubly great accomplishment, given that I have been a single parent.
Imagine my surprise and sadness when one child decided to unload all his negative feelings during a pre-bedtime chat: "Mom, I really don't think I want to live with you in Heaven. I think I'd prefer to hang out with my friends....I don't really like being around you because you make us do too much work and you always punish us even when we don't do anything that bad."
Oh.
My initial response: "Well, I really love you and I definitely want to spend all the time I can around you."
Then he complained some more about all the work I "force" him to do.
My secondary response (and it probably wasn't the best response): "Fine. If you don't want to do work around the house, don't. But please know that I am under no obligation to do things for you. It would be difficult to go to Noah's Ark Waterpark, for example, if our house is a complete mess. I'd just have to stay home and clean instead. And tomorrow when it's time to go to the pool, I'd probably have to stay home and wash the dishes all of you kids leave all over the kitchen instead of swimming. If you can't help do the work, then we can't go have fun."
I just feel very unappreciated (by that child in particular-and, yes, this is the classic mother's sob story). Perhaps the best solution is to completely stop doing things for him for a while. No more ordering library books. No more playdates. No more tennis, swimming, trips, purchases, etc. I want to make him earn them. I want him to be humble and grateful. It made me sad to think of all the time and energy I expend to help, bless, and make him happy - and then to be told I’m basically worthless, that nothing I do matters to him.
Ouch. I feel really sad about that.
What to do.
I will sleep now. And pray a lot in the morning.
And I know one thing. I will never stop trying. And I will NEVER stop loving.
I love you, buddy. Even if you can't see it. I REALLY DO LOVE YOU! I hope that one day - perhaps when you're a parent- you'll realize I did my best. I hope you'll be able to look back and know my primary goal in life was to be a great Mom: one who helped you to be happy, who loved you and respected your unique talents, and one who took the time to help you learn all the skills you'd need to lead a fulfilling life (kindness, generosity, responsibility, honesty, etc).
Life is a highway.
And a circle.
And a circus*. Step right up...
*don't expect me to grow a beard...We already have one of the best freak shows around. Just ask Mystery Man. Or my Mom.
Seven Minutes
1 day ago
10 comments:
Oh Jen, you have no idea how much I love you and I want you to know that you are a great mom and even they don't appreciate it now, they will. Kids live in the moment and what they say, they won't mean later. One of my kids told me a few months ago that he wished I would just go to heaven now so he wouldn't have to see me anymore. Can't really describe how much that crippled me. And I can't tell you how many awful things I've said to my own mom. They will get it one day, Jen. And until then, *do* keep loving them the best way you know how and make sure they know it. It'll sink in one of these days.
*hugs*
Oh...ouch! I'm so sorry you are being under-appreciated right now! If it makes you feel better, I think your expectation that your kids help with chores is a great thing! My parents (wonderful as they are) really didn't make me do many chores at all. Of course I loved it at the time, but now I regret that. I took too many things for granted. That's why that might be smart to let him go without for a little while to realize how much you DO do and how much he needs to do his part in your family. I admire you as a mother in so many ways, so although it may not ease the bite of his comment now, he WILL appreciate all you do for him someday!
Thanks Tab & Hilary. I appreciate your support so much! I feel like such a weakling, letting my kids' comments get to me so much. I wonder if they'll swear at me one day. lol. I hope not.
Carla here... Now that you've had the day to recover, I hope you can see that you are awesome. Your kids have a sweet life with you as the mom..... Tonight is your turn. Let him know honestly how much he hurt your feelings. And how long it has taken you to move on from those hurt feelings. .... If that doesn't help him feel some gratitude toward you, he can come by and help my ten year old clean out six cat boxes. Unloading the dishwasher is the PREFERRED task around here.
I think that you aren't doing your job as a mom if your kids don't feel that way sometime. I mean, they should feel stretched and uncomfortable because life isn't all about ease and playing video games all day. They need to learn to work and of course they aren't going to like it. Jack fluctuates between calling me the best mom ever and bad mommy all day every day. It's normal. Kick him in the butt next time. :) Just kidding.
Gotta share: He woke up the next day, before anyone else, and unloaded the dishwasher, emptied the trash & recycling, and a few other things WITHOUT BEING ASKED! I guess he's doing alright. :)
Awww, Jenn, this post was so perfect for every mom out there. I'm sure you are a fabulous mother and some day he will realize it. Think of all we put our own moms through :-) Thanks for sharing this bit of your life ... it brought a tear to my eye and a big smile to my face ... the best combination!
Kris, thanks for your comment. And why did the phrase "think of all we put our own moms through" trigger SO many memories involving car damage/wrecks? LOL!
Jen,
You are such an exciting mom! They are really lucky to have you as their mom. Why can't children see everything us Moms do is because we love them and want the best for them! Let me know how it has turned out because I could use a little help making my kids appreciate the value of hard work. Oh, and why is it that when we have put in double time (MM being out of town) is the time they decided to make things more difficult on us. It's like they know! Hang in there Jen, your awesome!
Oh boy, I sympathize with how those comments must have hurt and really bothered you. The truth is, kids are kids and they don't always get it. And another truth, your child is so normal to think and say those things as I'm sure thousands have said similar words before him (including my own)! I have discovered through reading your blog over the past year that you are a really fantastic mum. Keep on being that mum!
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