Family Funnies

Best Friends

Jane (age 4) just looked happily at a picture of me when I was 6, but she didn't know it was me. She said, "This is my friend. She said she wants to be my girlfriend. Can we go to her house?" Well, that question is easy to answer: "Yes, you can go to her house! (in fact, you've been to her house many, many times). You chose a great friend. You will probably be friends for years and years!" 5/25/14

Oz

Silas is using a kitchen scale for baking. His cookie recipe called for 10 oz. of brown sugar. It was really funny to hear him say, "Oh darn! I ran out of brown sugar. I need one more Oz!" (as in the Wizard of Oz). I have a feeling I'm going to chuckle every time I measure something in ounces from now on. 7/20/14

Ice Cream Bars

A jogger was sprinting by our house tonight. Jane and I watched her briefly, then I asked, "Where is she running?" Jane immediately answered, "She is hurrying to get her ice cream bars." That's pretty much the only reason I would run, too. 7/17/14

Karaoke

Day 2 of a nearly continuous stream of kids' karaoke voices coming from the basement. Currently: A trio of kids singing "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" in a drunk-esque monotone with the "echo" feature on max. It's kind of hilarious. 7/15/14

Crazy Stories

Jane, age 4, tells the most fantastical stories, including stories about her "...Grandma with the purple hair who has a unicorn for a pet and who is building a water park for my birthday." Now she's using her stories to keep herself out of trouble. Today she made Cora cry and when I approached the situation, she explained what REALLY happened: "A little bug was whispering a magic spell to Cora. He said, 'Cry forever, baby. Cry forever, baby.'" I'm starting to see she has a great career ahead of her - if not as a story teller, at least as a song writer. 7/5/14

Tornados

4th tornado warning in less than 2 weeks. The kids are becoming pros at going into the fort under our basement stairs when our alarm sounds. This afternoon they were smart enough to take along chips and cake - good thing, because we lost our electricity. Next time we just need to add a battery-powered disco ball and it will be a true party under there. 6/30/14

Girls Hate Boys

Jane randomly exclaimed, “I don’t want Kellen to look at me ever again. Girls don’t like boys!” 8/13/14

Jane’s Imagination:

“My best friend is named Blueberry Sparkle Cupcake.” – Jane

My grandma with white hair has a pet unicorn. My great grandma borned me & Silas & gave us to Mom.” – Jane

“My real cat’s name is Jezebel Jr.” – Jane

Shrinking Belly

Azael, in a very concerned voice: "Mom, I looked in the mirror this morning and my stomach has shrunk to a very unhealthy level." How I envy the problems of a 12-year-old. 5/28/13

New Dust Pan

Silas just finished sweeping the kitchen and surprised me by excitedly saying, "Mom, you bought a new dust pan! I love it. Thank you!" 5/27/13

Knock Knock

After church Azael had a mini-fit because he would have to sit by Lorelai in the van. He said, "I can't sit there! She'll barf all over me and tell stupid jokes!!!" Without missing a beat Lorelai said, "Knock, Knock." 5/26/13

White Stains

Heathcliffe has always said that our kids will do their own laundry starting at age 12. Azael has been 12 for about 6 weeks now and today was his 3rd time doing his own laundry. When I returned from some errands this afternoon, Azael proudly said, "I did my laundry while you were gone," and then he went to switch things to the drier. Shortly after that he came back with a shirt and said, "Mom, why would my shirt have all these white stains on it? I asked him about the soap he used and he pointed to the bleach. I explained again what bleach does (this was probably the 3rd time I have explainted it) and he replied, "I thought all these bottles were the same thing." I guess some things have to be learned through experience rather than explanation. Only 3 of the 10 shirts were ruined, so not the worst possible outcome. 5/25/12

Balentine’s Day Card

I just received a pretty thank you card in the mail today. Jane came by, picked it up, and handed it to me saying, "Mom, this is a Happy Balentine's Day card I made for you at school today." Thanks Jane. You are so thoughtful.5/15/13

Mean Jaguar

Jane was starting to cry because the Letter Xs she was making looked more like letter Ts. Then she stopped herself and shouted, "I'm not a baby jaguar! I'm a BIG jaguar! And I don't cry. I'm mean. And I'm mad!"4/29/13

The Driving Queen

Have I mentioned I love snow tires? It's a mom's chance to feel like she's driving a monster truck instead of a minivan. Everyone else seemed so, um... weak, with their tires spinning everywhere. I felt like the Driving Queen. [cue Abba music]:

Friday night and there's so much snow

Driving to that place you go

Everybody's nervous, sliding everywhere

But your tires will get you there.

Everyone sees you flying by

They all think that you must be high

A minivan with snow tires, everything is fine

Don't give them a second glance

And when you get the chance...

You are the driving queen, tough as nails, sailing through that scene

Driving queen, feel the treads of your snow machine!

You can drive, you don't slide, having the time of your life

See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the driving queen! 12/21/12

Same Size

I don't mean to brag or make anyone feel jealous, but... I can still wear the same earrings I wore in high school. 12/6/12

Bus Reports

Dear, Jenifrub

Your son, Silab has been running around the classroom screaming and wailing. For this he will be having 100 Fix It Plans and a 10 month suspension. He is also being very ruff and obnoxious on the bus. For this he will be receiving 900 Bus Reports and a year suspension from the bus. Thank you for your time.

Signed,

Mr.Stoutslurb (written by Azael) 9/21/12

Buddy

Mom to Jane: "Art you my best girl?"

Jane: "I'm not a girl! I'm a buddy!"11/3/12

Bird Watching Contest

Lorelai ran up to me, excitedly pointing out a sticker she was wearing. "MOM!!! I just won first place in the bird watching contest!!!" Me: "Where was the contest?" Lorelai: "On the deck!!!" Me: "Who else was in the contest?" Lorelai: "Just me. And I won!!!"  7/20/11

Tinker Bell

As we drove by Taco Bell, Lorelai excitedly shouted, "MOM! There's Tinkerbell! Can we go?"11/19/11

Swiss Chocolate

Silas to Heathcliffe: "Dad, what does Swiss Chocolate taste like?"

Heathcliffe: "Like blue skies and happy dreams."

Silas to his brothers: "Dad is true. I once ate Swiss Chocolate and I didn't have any nightmares that day."11/5/11

High Five

Silas completed a task really quickly so I held up my hand and said, "Awesome! High Five!" Silas gave me a high five, then responded: "Mom, a high five isn't really that fun. Normally people give you a dollar, a quarter, a dime, or a small penny when you do something good."

08/27/11 @ 5:30 PM 

Mosquitoes

Azael to the rest of our family: "I know Heavenly Father created a life with lots of challenges, but I think mosquitoes are a bit too much."

08/11/10 @ 4:05 PM  

Milking

The phone rang, Ephraim answered, and as he walked toward me with the phone, he told the person, "Mom is milking Jane right now." 3/9/10

Bugs

Silas to preschool friend, "I don't like ladybugs. I like boy bugs - beetles."

Aliens

Silas looked down at the sidewalk while walking to school and said, "Ew, there's something squishy. [pause] I think it's a dead alien. [pause] Ohhh, that's strange, my voice just sounded like an alien."

Government

Ephraim: "The government makes the speed limit. When I grow up, I'm going to be the government."

Builder Guy on a Bike

While on a walk this morning, we walked in a mini-construction zone where several men were fixing the sidewalks.  They all wore the orange/yellow vests. Then, in the midst of this,  I turned to see a biker riding by on the street who was wearing a safety vest that was nearly identical to the construction workers. Silas let out a gasp, and then said, "Mom, why is that builder guy riding a bike?" Silas and I laughed about this for the next block.

Stupendous

I overheard Silas calling one of his brothers "Stupid." I told him we don't say that and he'd need to take a time out. He quickly replied, "I didn't say stupid! I said stupendous!"09/19/09 @ 6:29 PM

 Teachers

Silas started preschool recently. Apparently his teachers are working on helping him use a normal (quiet) speaking voice.  After hearing Silas yelling one afternoon, I approached him and asked him to use an inside voice. His reply: "I don't want you to turn into a teacher." 09/11/09 @ 4:15 PM

Clones

I found Silas looking in our 3-way mirror. He had both sides open so he could see multiple images of himself. As I walked in, he seriously stated, "Hi Mom. I was just talking to my clones."09/10/09 @ 7:31 PM

Hottest Girl

Ephraim walked up to Mom and said, "Lorelai just smiled at me like this *flirty grin*. She thinks she's the hottest girl in our family!"07/30/09 @ 6:59 PM

Spirit Day? Or Sprite Day?

Ephraim brought a letter home from school, which read: "Don't forget to wear your pajamas to school for Spirit Day tomorrow!" He read it, then shouted loudly and very excitedly through the house, "AZAEL! Tomorrow we get to have Sprite at school!!!!!!" 04/30/09 @ 09:59 PM

Allergies

Silas didn't want to do his chores today. After asking him twice, he turned to me and said, "I'm allergic to Mom."  04/25/09 @ 03:40 PM

Bad Food

We recently told our kids about "good foods" and "bad foods" with the hope they would eat healthier. Silas took this to heart, apparently, but with his own interpretation. He said, "I don't like bad foods! I don't like asparagus, carrots, soup, lettuce, and salad dressing. That's what I don't like!" 01/14/09 @ 04:43 PM

Unconditional Love

Ephraim had been quite the troublemaker one morning, and mom said, "Ephraim, you're really starting to make me feel angry." He calmly and confidently answered, "That's OK. I know you'll still like me when I get home from school." 01/12/09 @ 11:58 AM

South Dakotans

Heathcliffe once had a friend who held his fork with the overhand, farm-boy type grip. This friend happened to be from one of the Dakotas. Ephraim tried to hold his fork like that earlier this fall, so Daddy jokingly said, "You must be from South Dakota, Ephraim." Apparently Ephraim told a teacher today that people from South Dakota hold their forks, spoons, and pencils like that because he came home from school and exclaimed, "Mrs. Mack said I was wrong and that people from South Dakota don't hold their spoons, forks, and pencils different from all the other people!" 10/23/08 @ 11:15 PM

Eating Out - Outer Space Style

Silas has apparently heard a lot about astronauts lately, since he now refers to 'restaurants' as 'restronauts.' 10/23/08 @ 02:18 PM

Telling the Truth

Silas lectured Ephraim with an interesting version of why we should tell the truth: "Don't say lies, Ephraim, or Jesus' friends will kill you!" 10/18/08 @ 07:08 PM

Mom's Cooking

I made a meal for a friend who was depressed. The meal included soup, pasta, fruit, & dessert. I worked really hard and my kitchen was a mess. After delivering the meal, we sat down to eat our portion. The kids made me feel really confident in my cooking abilities. They said, "This soup is too spicy!" Then, after each bite, they fanned their mouths with their hands and let out loud breathing noises while gulping their milk to cool off their mouths. After the first bite of pasta, Ephraim asked Azael, "How does it taste?" Azael tried his again and thoughtfully said, "It has no taste." Then, throughout the remainder of the meal, Azael kept remarking, "Gee, Mom, how do you make pasta with no taste?" Heathcliffe must have agreed with their assessment, because when I asked his opinion, he smiled wryly and said nothing. At least they liked the cookies! 10/17/08 @ 02:09 PM

Whispering

Silas went to Mom and said, "I need to tell you something." He pulled her head down and said "SSSSSSS-SSSSS-SSSSS" in her ear, following by a few actual words. I guess he was repeating what whispering sounds like. 10/16/08 @ 10:37 AM

Hard Stuff

Ephraim: "Sometimes I go to the library to read with Ms. Mac. She is a very mean teacher because she won't let me pick the hard stuff out of my nose." 10/10/08 @ 05:18 PM

Imaginary Friend

Silas told me several times this week about a friend named Offereck. I asked him today, after he mentioned it again, "Who is Offereck?" Silas said, "He's my friend. He has blond hair like me, feet like me, a shirt like me, pants like me. He speaks like everyone. His Mom is named Larinda. She has long hair and special red eyes. They live in the forest where all the trees are." I tried to play along a little and say maybe we could go to Offereck's house if he'd show me the way. Apparently he thought we actually were going, because when we ended up at playgroup and later at Home Depot, he despondently said each time, "Ohhh, I thought we were going to Offereck's house!" 10/08/08 @ 09:13 PM

Mom Knows!

Ephraim: "Mommy, how can you see what I'm doing when you're not looking at me? I think Jesus talks to you and tells you what I'm doing." 07/11/08 @ 03:41 PM

Time Travel

Azael: "When I was a grown up, time machines weren't invented yet. Because if there was a time machine when I was a grown-up I would have come back to visit me now. But since that hasn't happened, I guess time machines were invented after I was dead." 07/11/08 @ 03:36 PM

Mom's Driving

Ephraim to Silas while riding with Mom in the car: "Don't worry. We won't crash. Mom is a safe driver.... ...or a crazy driver." 06/30/08 @ 02:30 PM

Names

Azael: "Mom, I want my 4 names to be Azael, Ninja Boy, YPM, & Cornelius."

Mom: "What's YPM?"

Azael: "It's the end of all times. PM means afternoon and Y means infinity or the end of forever." 05/28/08 @ 09:55 PM

Hand-me-downs

Ephraim saw Silas was wearing one of his old shirts. He excitedly said: "Look! My shirt shrinked and now Silas is wearing it!" 04/17/08 @ 06:33 PM

4-head

Ephraim to Mom: "Lorelai keeps biting my four-head (forehead). And she keeps biting my two-head and my three-head!" 04/10/08 @ 02:48 PM

Spainlish

On Easter Sunday this year we were visiting Heathcliffe's parents in Switzerland. We went on a walk with the extended family to see if the Easter Bunny left some surprises in the woods. The Easter Bunny left each child a giant Kinder Ueberaschung Egg (Children's Surprise Egg), which is a chocolate egg with a toy inside. Some of the toys were for older kids, so we convinced one child to trade for a more age-appropriate toy by saying his name was on a certain egg. Ephraim overheard this and wanted to find his name on his Ueberaschung Egg. He spoke to Uncle Gesualdo, who said, "Your name is here. Ephraim in German is 'Anderen.'" Ephraim excitedly ran to Mommy and said with wide eyes, "Look! My name is on here! Ephraim is translated into Spainlish!" 04/04/08 @ 03:12 PM

When I Grow Up (another one)...

Ephraim: "When I grow up I'm going to be a spy, a rock n' roll star, and a builder." 03/16/08 @ 09:49 PM

Grandpas

Ephraim to Daddy: "When I grow up I'm going to be a Grandpa. Then I won't have to do anything. Grandpas just sit and smoke." 12/02/07 @ 11:23 PM

Heaven

Ephraim to Lorelai one morning: "God is nice, baby. He won't hurt you. He is at a planet named Heaven." 10/17/07 @ 02:05 PM

The fun's over

Azael decided to weigh himself, his toys, and his 2 brothers, all on his own. He was being quite scientific and writing down all the data on an index card. I could overhear them discussing their weights for a few minutes. Then I heard Azael's stern voice telling Ephraim and Silas, "OK, the fun's over. Now it's time to see what measure Mom is!"09/24/07 @ 01:12 PM

When I Grow Up...

Ephraim told Mommy what he wanted to be when he grows up. He said, "I want to be a builder, and a boxer. A boxer is someone who puts toys in boxes. I also want to be a Mom. They do the good stuff."

Mom asked, "What's the good stuff?" Ephraim replied, "Oh, time outs." 09/13/07 @ 11:07 AM

Fancy

Mommy stepped out of the shower, and Ephraim, age 4, saw her before she had a towel to cover herself. He sweetly said, "Mom, those 2 things are kinda fancy."08/19/07 @ 10:54 AM

Math & Baking

Azael to Ephraim: "Hey Ephraim, I can do math and baking at the same time. What is chocolate chip plus cookie? A Chocolate Chip cookie! See!"08/18/07 @ 06:42 PM

Squirrels

When we married, we both joked about the fact that Jen is taller than Heathcliffe. Well, our children have extended that fact to other animal life... Mom entered a room and overheard Azael & Ephraim arguing as they looked out the window at two squirrels. Ephraim ended the argument by forcefully saying, "The bigger squirrel is the Mommy squirrel!" 07/25/07 @ 03:12 PM

Germ Planet

Azael: "Mom, could I build a planet for germs? I would take a round ball and cough on it. Then the germs can have their own planet!" 06/17/07 @ 11:19 AM

Tent

Jen was talking with Heathcliffe about buying a small two-man tent for Azael and Heathcliffe's camping trip. Jen tried to finalize the plans, saying, "So, should I just get the two-man tent?" Azael, who had been listening to the conversation, suddenly piped up, "Don't you mean a one-man and one-boy tent?" 06/02/07 @ 07:32 PM

Home-itis

About 2 weeks after Lorelai was born, Azael seemed to be having some issues at school. One day, during recess, the teacher saw Azael trying to leave the playground. When questioned about it, Azael responded, "I'm going home. I have home-itis."05/18/07 @ 02:14 PM

Builder

Azael wants to be a builder when he grows up. Mom asked him if he wants to be like Bob the Builder. He said, "No, I won't be Azael the Builder. I'll just be Azael Builder. I will change my last name from Riday to Builder." 04/07/07 @ 05:54 PM

Marriage

Ephraim: "When I grow up I want to get married with you, Mommy." 04/07/07 @ 05:53 PM

New Baby

All winter Mommy told Azael and Ephraim the new baby would come after the snow had melted (due on April 30th). In mid-March the snow was melting quickly as a result of 60 degree days. While driving in the car one afternoon, Ephraim suddenly shouted with huge excitement: "Mom! The snow is melting! So the new baby in your tummy is getting born!" 03/13/07 @ 06:26 PM

Sharing

Ephraim had finished his own pancakes, but wanted more, so he reached over to Silas' plate and started eating. Dad noticed this and said, "Ephraim, no, that belongs to Silas." Ephraim responded very seriously, "But Heavenly Father likes sharing!" 01/27/07 @ 01:42 PM

Private Parts

During a recent diaper change, Ephraim needed some diaper cream around his penis, which was red and sore. As Mommy was about to apply the cream, Ephraim started crying and said, "Don't put cream on my penis. A penis is a private part and nobody is supposed to touch it." 12/17/06 @ 09:33 PM

Raclette

Azael: Daddy's cheese-melting machine (Swiss Raclette oven) is very special. It can make butter. Now you don't have to buy butter because you can make it in that machine. But it takes a VERY long time. It takes one hour. 11/21/06 @ 08:12 PM

Hip to Be Square

Ephraim's lyrics for the song "Hip to Be Square"

"Hip, hip, so he can be a square!"11/15/06 @ 10:35 AM

Lotion

Ephraim didn't want Mommy to put lotion on his face (to help with Eczema). As the tears fell, he said, "I don't want lotion on my face. I want to be beautiful!" 08/06/06 @ 03:56 PM

Hurt Head

Ephraim, sadly lamented: "I hurt my head. I need to go to the dentist!" 08/02/06 @ 02:11 PM

Getting Old

Tonight at bedtime Azael asked out of the blue, “Mommy, where are you going to live when I am a grown up?” I replied, “I’ll live here and you can come visit Daddy and me just like we visit Grandpa and Grandma.” “But Grandma and Grandpa are old!” he said with a quiver in his voice. “I don’t want you to be old! I want you to stay the same!” I said, “We all get older and older until we get so old we get to go live with Heavenly Father.” Azael responded with tears in his eyes and fear in his voice: “But I don’t want to get old and live with Heavenly Father!” After a bit more discussion, Azael concluded, “I want to just be me forever.” I replied: “I promise you will always be you!” 07/15/06 @ 12:38 PM

Bye Bye

Ephraim had just finished going to the bathroom, when he leaned over, spoke into the toilet as the contents flushed down, and said, "Bye Bye. See ya later! I'll miss you!" 05/24/06 @ 09:44 AM

God and Santa

Azael- "Does Heavenly Father live with Santa?"

Mom- "I don't think so."

Azael- "Is the North Pole in heaven?"05/21/06 @ 02:39 PM

Love

Ephraim wanted to call Grandma Johnson on the phone. Mom dialed for him and he got the answering machine, but couldn't figure out why Grandma wouldn't talk to him. Mom finally said, "Grandma is not home. Let's hang up." Ephraim, in tears, said in a frustrated voice: "But Grandma loves me!" 05/17/06 @ 03:16 PM

"When we grow up..."

Azael: "When I grow up, I'm going to be a builder. When Ephraim grows up, he's going to be an engine driver. Toot, toot! And when Silas grows up, he's going to be a Valentine's card maker." 03/15/06 @ 03:37 PM

Monsters Watching Us

Azael: "Some monsters are watching a video of us, and they watch us every day and every night." 02/21/06 @ 06:34 PM

Prayers in Outer Space

Azael, while contemplating God and the Universe:

"Prayers in outerspace can talk because the wind in outerspace makes their teeth go up and down, and that makes them talk." 01/09/06 @ 11:22 AM

Origin of Water

Azael to Mom & Dad: "Where did water come from?"

Mom: "From Heavenly Father."

Azael: "How did Heavenly Father make the water?"

[no clear response from either parent, so Azael answered the question himself]:

Azael: "I think they used buckets to make water." 12/31/05 @ 11:43 PM

Bread & Water

Mom: "If you don't eat breakfast you'll be very hungry at church today."

Azael: "Well, I'll have to eat the bread and the water there." 12/05/05 @ 12:12 PM

Hyenas in my body...

Azael: "I ate a hyena. It's in my body. It makes me pee in my bed and be bad at preschool." 11/10/05 @ 03:35 PM

Trick-or-Treating

Azael was Trick-or-Treating in Pittsburgh with his cousins, Wayra, Indra, Bronwyn, Tristan, as well as little brother Ephraim. At one door a woman exclaimed, "Oh, look at you all! How cute! Where are you from?" Everyone just stared blankly, except Azael, who said: "My name's Ethan." The kids then got their candy and left. I asked Azael why he said that, and he replied, "Oh, sometimes on Halloween I be silly." 11/03/05 @ 03:17 PM

Kisses

(Azael, to Mom): "I don't want a kiss. You can only kiss Dad. I don't like kisses because kisses are cranked up!" 10/08/05 @ 03:34 PM

Jackson

Azael: "I want to marry Jackson."

Jackson's Mom: "You have to marry a girl!"

Azael: "But none of my friends are girls." 10/06/05 @ 10:53 AM

Xavier

Azael: "One day Xavier putted his finger in the oven and he burned it."

Mom: "Does he live here?"

Azael: "No. He has black hair. He lives at my Grandma's." 10/06/05 @ 10:52 AM

Breaking Rules

Azael and Ephraim were playing outside, and Azael was being the typical older child and bossing the younger child. After a while, Ephraim was tired of doing what Azael said, so he ran somewhere else. Azael started crying, and came to Mom & Dad and said, "Ephraim is breaking the rules." Dad asked, "You mean he's not doing everything you say?" Azael: "Yes, he's breaking my rule!!" 09/21/05 @ 10:37 AM

Thomas the Tank Engine

Ephraim: "Thomas we lub you, Thomas we lub you, Thomas, we lub you!" 09/21/05 @ 10:35 AM

Psychopathic

Jennifer: "I can read people's minds. I must be psychopathic." 08/27/05 @ 10:39 PM

What are we going to do today?

Azael: "So, what are we going to do today, Mom? Have a party?"

Mom: "Nothing."

Azael: "Oh, it's Easter?"

Mom: "No."

Azael: "I see. It's Christmas."

Mom: "No."

Azael: "Well, what are we going to do today?

Mom: "Play."

Azael: "Oh, OK."

08/27/05 @ 10:34 PM